Review & Critique: The 10th Floor

[LoopyPanda]

Want to send feedback about my story, The 10th Floor!? Send it here!

[Footage of me receiving your comments (envelope above) from my grave aka my inbox), circa unknown]​

Now let's get down to the meat and potatoes.​

1) Imma hook you up with a template you can use to make ya comments and critiques. Feel free to not use it, I just think it helps people make their points a bit more obvious to me.​

2) Keep it short and sweet, and elaborate only if you feel you need to explain your more specific points. Just avoid text walls if you can make your point in like... a paragraph or less, rule of thumb.​

3) I don't personally find the 5-star rating to be actually useful. If you must use one to sum up your feelings about the chapter, then feel free to use the 1-10 scale or a "Poor to Excellent" scale.​

Template:​

Topic/Chapter:​

Negatives:​

Positives:​

General comments/comments about syntax or grammar structure:​

Questions:​

I'll be replying to anything I feel requires it. This may take me some time though, depending on how long your post is. I'll be using the quote function.​

 

[ShineCero]

Chapter: The Elevator

Interesting to see you taking a crack at the horror genre. Make sense since you are writing a story revolving around demons and monsters from the deepest bit of hell. Honestly, despite being the first chapter, this was well thought out, well-written and engaging. Whatever your inspirations that drove you to write this piece, keep using it because this is a solid chapter.

Characters: Margo is the main protagonist of the story, and I have to say, you seem to have a gift of writing well-rounded, down to earth female leads that do not have a trait that's often the primary focused, and this was just the first chapter. She is somewhat moody and dreaded the thought of going out that she gathered jumped into the stories of horror stories to lively up her day slightly. The only negative about the characters is that you introduce another character, Lindsay, but we have no idea who she was other than being used a device to ask what's wrong. In short, a brief description on Lindsay would be more than welcome.

Execution: I always say that the first chapter of the story determines whether or not it's worth the time to invest. You nailed it. The build up, the suspense, the slow chill as you read every line when Margo is in the elevator? Perfect. If I could make a change, it would be the description of the woman's face to add in the depth of horror. However, maybe it's better off without such description, which adds even more suspense? 

Overall, this is a pretty solid chapter and an excellent way to start a brand new series. I'm looking forward to your next chapter, whatever it may be, and see the quality and consistency will remain as you write.

Grade: 8.5

• Powerful Start
• Amazing emphasized of Margo's motivations and desires
• Great way to execute the suspense to send chills in the readers.

 

[LoopyPanda]

Interesting to see you taking a crack at the horror genre. Make sense since you are writing a story revolving around demons and monsters from the deepest bit of hell. Honestly, despite being the first chapter, this was well thought out, well-written and engaging. Whatever your inspirations that drove you to write this piece, keep using it because this is a solid chapter.

Haha, thanks man! I got inspired since at the time I first wrote the chapter, I was browsing the NoSleep reddit all the time and reading about paranormal-themed works and the like, and eventually I stumbled onto the Korean Elevator Game while watching a vid on unsolved mysteries. Though I've been a fan of psychological horror for a long time, as I've also watched playthroughs of a lot of indie horror games. So watching those with my headphones on in the dark really helped me write out a lot of this. lol!

Characters: Margo is the main protagonist of the story, and I have to say, you seem to have a gift of writing well-rounded, down to earth female leads that do not have a trait that's often the primary focused, and this was just the first chapter. She is somewhat moody and dreaded the thought of going out that she gathered jumped into the stories of horror stories to lively up her day slightly. The only negative about the characters is that you introduce another character, Lindsay, but we have no idea who she was other than being used a device to ask what's wrong. In short, a brief description on Lindsay would be more than welcome.

Yeah, I was unsure how to place Lindsay in this story at first -- I wanted her to actually go with Margo, but backtracked since I wanted Margo to be the only human on that elevator. If it's any consolation, I plan for Lindsay to show up again at a later point (either in the middle or after the climax of the plot). In my focus to keep it a 3rd-person limited point of view, I inadvertently forgot to give the audience at least some idea of her personality past how she acts at work. I figured she wasn't going to take up space in the chapter for no more than a few sentences or two. I'll be sure to give her an adequate introduction in her next appearance.

Execution: I always say that the first chapter of the story determines whether or not it's worth the time to invest. You nailed it. The build up, the suspense, the slow chill as you read every line when Margo is in the elevator? Perfect. If I could make a change, it would be the description of the woman's face to add in the depth of horror. However, maybe it's better off without such description, which adds even more suspense? 

Heehee, I left her actual face unknown to the readers for now. If I described how she looked rather than Margo taking the time to let her brain fill in the details from her voice alone, I feel I would ruin the 3rd-person limited POV and not genuinely make the readers feel Margo's anxiety with having such a creature in the elevator with her. Not to worry though. She has to face her fear sometime!

As always, thank you for taking the time to review the first installment of my short story!

 

[Grey Star]

Topic/Chapter: Chapters 1 and 2

Positives: So what do we have here? What we have is a nice piece of horror fiction of the metaphysical taste. That is what the Tenth Floor is. So far, the story is of solid construction. We have a world laid out in front of us, a protagonist who reasonably and logically is driven by a change in the status quo to making a foolish error, and the end result of arriving in a world of the dead. Everything in the story follows cause and effect. Questions about the world are answered as soon as they come up, to an effect of furthering the story along.

During the suspense moments of the story, I feel queasy. The dread in my stomach that something horrible will happen. I feel this is executed well, instilling a sense of horror into the reader. This is a horror hard to obtain as few things will cause the kind of instinctual dread so many low quality horror films and SCP entries fail to captivate.

The action moment of the story in Chapter 2 operates on a different kind of dread. By mixing prey animal symbolism with an existential horror, the end result is an interesting blend between Margo’s fear of both her life as an existence, and her life as a flesh and blood body, being threatened. In short, there’s almost a representation of Margo’s life through the shadow attackers. Her existence is one of being in danger (metaphysical beings threatening Margo) that in turn threatens her physical life (slashes on the leg, the rabbit pie).

It’s a good story. No other comments.