Immortal Scars Review and Discussion

~ Z ~

Black Jacket
This thread is specifically for any and all thoughts about Immortal scars (Zenta's story) Don't be scared to let me know what I can change and how you guys feel about the story. I genuinely want to better my writing, so let me know where I can! Thanks a bunch!
 

ShineCero

Administrator
Staff member
I’ll be your first reviewer!

Starting off a story is perhaps the hardest thing a writer can do. Although it seems simple at first upon explanation, the actual execution is incredibly difficult: hooking the readers into your story and making them want more. I think you’ve definitely accomplished this by introducing Zenta, the orphanage and Cuki.

We have Zenta who is a mysterious traveler walking during the pouring rain and took sheltered at an orphanage. You quickly established that they are aliens, and judging from Zenta’s statements, the beast is not even from this world. Good way to add little bits of information about the main character without going too much, if your intention is to keep Zenta’s character mysterious.

Of course, you have Cuki who’s seemingly attached to Zenta; perhaps she felt something that cause her to follow him. And the fact that Zenta named her, that pretty much solidified the deal that Cuki is going to tag along a little longer. I think it would be excellent if you added a brief detail of Cuki’s story prior to Zenta leaving the orphanage. It does not need to be detailed, but something along the ling to show why Cuki is attracted to following the beast around.

I do like the fact that you decided to showcase Zenta’s abilities by having him against monster with many eyes versus the one without them. Good contrast and theme of the battle: “Spider-Lady had the advantage of multiple eyes and even hypnotize people, but such things are ineffective against Zenta.” *taps temple*, see. I be smart too! Anyways, good start with the fight scenes. Not overly too detailed, but not simple enough that it just “Guy A punch Guy B, then he dies.”

Slight issue with a few details in the story.

When Cuki mentioned Zenta, Spider-Lady commented:

“Zenta? You mean that weird furry beast? He’s probably being eaten alive by my spiders on his way to find you. Even if he did manage to get past the smaller ones, he’ll never find his way here. He’ll get tangled in my webs and feed my children just like the rest who try to pass the forest. This is my domain, little one, I know it like the back of my hand; I doubt he will ever find you. Once I’m done with you, you’ll just be a corpse hanging off my trees.”

Yet later, when Zenta finally appears, the Spider-Lady replied with this:

“And who are you?” asked the Spider-Lady.

Even though Spider-Lady, at least to me, implies that she was aware of them. Definitely a bit confusing on this one!
In regard to the details, I think you don’t need to go super detail on this aspect. Like for example:

“As Zenta grew closer to the source of the smell, be began to notice thin webs hanging from the canopy, no doubt from the monster he heard about. In an elegant fashion, the beast would slip and sway between the hanging threads, mere inches from touching them but never did. Every time he came very close to touching one, the web would mysteriously move out of Zenta’s way, almost as if there was a force in play. It was as if a very gentle breeze would sway the threads from ever touching the beast. Except the breeze came from Zenta’s body.”

You can edit that around while maintaining the scene you’re going for:

“As Zenta grew closer to the source of the smell, he notices the thin webs hanging from the canopy, no doubt from the monster he heard about. In an elegant fashion, the beast would slip and sway between the hanging threads; even when he was mere inches from touching them the web would mysteriously move out of his way.”

Less is more, so you won’t wound up repeating yourself or adding “filler” words that doesn’t really add much to what you’re describing. Don’t worry, it’s not constant; just little things here and there to keep in mind!

Overall, very enjoyable read!
 
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